My mental health over the past few years has been a mix of self-defeating thoughts and empty dreams. I know, I should be more optimistic than that. After all, I’m supposed to be the optimistic one, the one who tends to over-promise because of this misplaced optimism. I’m an optimist, I’m persistent, I don’t give up too easily. Except when I do. I’m also a Gemini, so there.
It’s hard fighting the demons in your head when you’ve been living with them for so long it’s almost comforting to have them around. And then there’s that deeply ingrained and totally fucked-up cultural belief that you can’t be too happy otherwise something bad will happen (hey, I’m the eldest daughter of boomer Asian parents, I can’t really be blamed for this). So happiness is suspect, even as you try to pursue it. “I’m so fucking unhappy but I can’t allow myself to be happy.” Good luck with that, right?
(Note to self – and whoever else is reading this: This is my brain dump so I shouldn’t be judging myself for being such a negatron – I’m getting rid of these negathoughts so I’ll have space in my head for happy thoughts.)
And yes, a couple of weeks ago, I had my first session with my new therapist, and for the first time in quite a while, I’m actually allowing myself to feel some sliver of hope. I’ve been on anti-depressants and clonazepam for almost seven years now, my previous therapist passed last year, and it was a struggle finding a new one. Dr. R doubled my Lexapro dosage and he said I won’t start feeling its effects until about two weeks after I start taking it so I’m either led by the power of suggestion or maybe it’s for real. I’ve been having more energy the past few days – but not after getting horribly sick for about five days. I hadn’t gotten sick in a while, save for some migraines, and suddenly I was down with a fever and shivering under the comforter, battling a stomach flu so bad I can barely get out of bed. But the past three days have been… great I guess, I mean, I’ve been so busy catching up on work and I had to conduct a whole day planning session yesterday (not to mention prepare for it too), but I’ve been so upbeat as well, even if my social battery was heavily compromised.
So, let’s see. The fact that I’m actually motivated enough to finally work on this blog is proof enough that there have been some improvement in my mood. I want to start painting again but I don’t want to overdo it. At least I haven’t spent my Sunday in bed, doom-scrolling.
